The “Weapons” Flowchart Quiz
Find out if you should see the new horror movie “Weapons.”
Weapons, Zach Cregger’s eagerly anticipated follow-up to 2022’s Barbarian, is finally here—an episodic journey through a suburban town wracked by an unimaginable tragedy when, at 2:17 a.m., 17 children got up from their beds and dashed into the night, disappearing without a trace.
Tense, gripping, and oftentimes terrifying, Weapons is not for every moviegoer. But the question is: Is it for you?
Sharpen those knives and load those pistols, it’s time to take the Weapons Flowchart Quiz!
Have you seen the new horror movie Weapons?
Yes→Go to Question 2
No→Go to Question 3
I mean, like, how good was that, huh?
So good→OMG, right?? You have completed this quiz
I didn’t like it→Go to Question 4
Do you plan on seeing it?
Yes→Great! You have completed this quiz
No→Go to Question 5
Why not?
It just wasn’t really about anything. Also, it was way too slow and didn’t have anything meaningful to say, even though it seemed like it was trying to at times→Go to Question 6
I could tell it was a well-crafted horror movie, with good acting, lots of funny—and even moving—moments. But I just couldn’t get over the gratuitous violence. Like—for example—did we really need to see that man head-butt that other man in the head until his skull caved in? I don’t think so. And also when the parents stabbed their cheeks over and over again with a fork? I’m good on all that, and I don’t think I’ll see it again→That’s fair. You are done with this quiz
Huh. Is that like a ‘waiting for streaming’ thing, or is it, like, a ‘I don’t do horror movies’ thing”?
Yeah, I just don’t do horror movies. But I’m open to giving one a shot if I knew a bit more about it→Go to Question 7
It’s an ‘I’m not interested in this kind of thing at all’ kind of thing. I also think people who enjoy and talk about these kinds of movies are ‘lesser than’→You are beyond redemption. You are also done with this quiz
See, I don’t understand this argument. Why does a horror movie have to say something—to serve as a metaphor for some big idea? Why can’t it just be a compelling, well-told, full-throttle story about suburban despair and the struggle to rationalize incomprehensible disaster? Also—this movie is about something: witches!
I guess that’s a fair, well-reasoned point. Not every movie has to be capital A About something, but if you’re gonna craft an obvious allegory to mass shootings in schools, maybe bake your ideas a little longer, you know? I am willing to be proven wrong though→That’s great to hear. Go back to Question 3 and answer “Yes”
No it’s not→You are beyond redemption. You are also done with this quiz
So, you don’t do horror movies. That’s totally reasonable. I used to be that way. But then I came around. I find it’s a great medium to revel in a bit of taboo fun, to indulge in some of our darkest interests and impulses. For horror—or, really, any genre you may avoid—you just have to find your film. Maybe yours is Weapons. Maybe it’s not. If you’ll allow me to make a case, though, Weapons offers something different than your everyday slasher, possession, or serial killer movie. It’s patiently paced and deeply engrossing, with a pulsating sense of suspense that breezes you through the two-hour run time. As far as true horror elements, there are a few jumpscares—quite scary ones, too—but each is padded with a dose of humor. That’s the big thing about Weapons—it’s hilarious. I’d say I was laughing more than I was gasping or screaming. Also, for what it's worth, I watched this with four friends who normally do not enjoy horror, and they loved it.
That’s a fair, well-reasoned argument. And I'm relieved to hear about your horror-timid pals. I greatly appreciate your insight and now plan to give it a try. Even if I don’t like it, I’m willing to give other horror movies a shot because, like you said, 'my movie' is out there, even if it's not Weapons. You are a very considerate, thoughtful person→That’s great to hear. Tell you what: Why don’t you go back to Question 3 and respond “Yes,” then give yourself the rest of the day off. You’ve earned it
Listen—I’ve tried tons of horror movies lately: Barbarian, Together, and even Final Destination: Bloodlines. I hate horror and gore and anything remotely scary and there is absolutely no way you can change my mind→You are beyond redemption. You are also done with this quiz