Treating My Younger Self: “Snow Dogs”
From the archives
Back in 2020, I posted a review of the 2002 Disney film Snow Dogs on the movie rating app Letterboxd. It has not only become my most liked review, but it has also risen to the 17th most popular review out of nearly 1000 reviews for the movie on the app. That may not mean anything to you, but it means absolutely everything to me because I am trying very hard to become famous.
I found the positive response interesting, because my whole review was about how I hadn’t seen the movie.
This kicked off a series I like to call “Treating My Younger Self,” wherein I watch movies from my childhood that I never got to see.
Please enjoy the original “A Review of Snow Dogs,” and its companion piece, “The Real Review of Snow Dogs.”
Note: they have been lightly edited for clarity, grammar, etc.
A Review of “Snow Dogs”
Posted Oct. 4, 2020
In 1st grade our desks were arranged in clusters. Students were randomly assigned seats and I was lucky enough to sit opposite a really popular kid, whom I was also lucky enough to say was a friend. Kids loved going to his house because he lived right near school. He also had the best peanut butter and apples. Weird how things like that were considered to elevate one’s social capital. Anyhoo, one morning he sat down and looked at me with a wild look in his eyes. He said he saw the best movie ever. I asked what it was. He said it was this: “Snow Dogs.” The words exited his mouth like some sort of fantastic zephyr and then sprinkled down to earth as though they were flecks of snow caked to the bottom of Santa’s sled. It felt like I was listening to the world speak to me. Snow Dogs. It echoed around my head and the classroom because he was a really loud talker. He said it was amazing but also sad. Wow. How deep – a happy movie but with a sad part? Genius! I thought. Everyone must know about this.
I never saw it but recommended it to everyone I knew. Weirdly this movie has been in the back of my mind for almost 18 years. I can’t imagine I’d like it if I watched it, but feel like, having suggested the movie to so many people, I should probably stop living this lie.
The Real Review of “Snow Dogs”
Posted Jan. 13, 2022
What is Snow Dogs about? Here’s a quick synopsis: Cuba Gooding Jr. plays Ted, a celebrity dentist with ads for his toothpaste brand on buses. He lives in Miami and seems to be an extremely important person. One day he is told that he is listed as a recipient in his biological mother’s will (he was raised by his stepmother). She was a competitive dog sledder in Alaska and left her house and sled dogs to Ted. Ted then travels to Alaska to check it out. He creates a bond with his mother’s sled dogs and decides to learn how to dog sled with the help of the local bar owner, Barb. I don’t really need to tell you any of this because you can piece together about 60% of that from the movie poster. In fact, you can probably just look at the movie poster and confidently say you’ve seen it. Also in fact, I don’t recommend this movie because it’s bad. It’s really bad.
Here are some of my thoughts:
It’s a bit confusing. He’s a celebrity dentist and there are literally tens of kids waiting eagerly for an appointment. Why?
When Ted’s stepmom is choking and Rupert (Sisqó!!), another dentist, gives her a cup of water and asks her to “rinse and spit,” that is a genuinely funny joke
It’s unclear why they read the will at a bar
It’s misleading when Barb describes the Arctic Challenge as “next to the Iditarod, it’s the biggest dog race around.” Basically, she compares the Arctic Challenge to the ‘Iditarod’ to make the Arctic Challenge seem cool. However, this is not the Iditarod and is in fact, the second biggest dog race around, which makes it 100% less cool. Why would the big race in the movie be the second best in the world? Second best to the Iditarod? Just make a new one! Or get a bigger budget and just buy the rights to use the name “Iditarod.”
His biological dad has excellent teeth for living in an Alaska town where everyone has decaying teeth. Very sneaky move, movie, I see what you did there.
He’s taunted for being a city boy such as when he is frightened of a nearby howling wolf, which, I’m convinced, a native Alaskan would also find frightening. Of course, this goes back to the movie’s main joke: Cuba Gooding Jr. is scared.
He names bears he likes when confronting a bear: Smokey, Yogi and Walter Payton. A joke for the parents, I guess.
My favorite line is from the character Thunder Jack: “I’ve always believed that men who don’t tell it like it is is a liar.” This means that men who lie are liars.
My second favorite line is also from Thunder Jack, who reminisces on seeing his newborn son (who turns out to be Ted): “In all my life, I’ve never seen anything like it,” So, he means … a baby?
So, the sad part that my cool friend in elementary school alluded to is when the sled dog Demon has the sharp thing stuck in his teeth, so he’s angry and in pain. I gotta say, for a town so into dogs, I’m surprised they have no vets.